I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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