i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
