A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
