You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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