Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
