I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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