Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize