I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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