he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I need a burrito and a hug.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
