Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
