This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think i got beer on your cat.
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