Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
