Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
