i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
