Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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