Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
