so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
