What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize