Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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