Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
