we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
