I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
