Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
