i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
