I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
