Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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