my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
