I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
