I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
