apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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