guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
