I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize