Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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