My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
