Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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