did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
