How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
