I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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