ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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