Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
