I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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