I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
