I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
