I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We need a shit load of segways right now
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
