You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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