trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
