I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
