I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize