haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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