i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
