You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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