Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Welp...herpes.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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