God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
