Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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