I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
