Do you still have your period?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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