Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My hand turned me down
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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