He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
