I'm so fucking centered right now
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
