We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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