Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
