I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize