my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
