I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
