first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My dick has a subreddit
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
