I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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