She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
