Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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