I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize