I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
