we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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