I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
