im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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