I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
