My liver just broke up with me...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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