U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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